I realize as I am sitting down to write this that it has been three days since I put up a blog post. I feel guilty--I felt guilty yesterday too, which is why I didn't write anything then. In trying to create an entirely new routine with this new lifestyle that we have all had to adopt, there are moments of such overwhelm I just want to sit on my couch, listen to music, and pat my dog. So that's what I have been doing. And I realize now that missing a day writing my blog filled me with enough guilt to keep from writing the next day. Talk about self-fulfilling prophecy.
Today when I sat down I thought more about why I was feeling so guilty...why there might be undertones (or overtones) of anxiety with a habit I intentionally created for de-stressing and for staying connected to others as well as myself. I know that this space where I write is not going to solve or end COVID-19. I know that my friends and family who have been so incredibly supportive of it even as the days have turned to weeks and months and they still read it, will be here when I write the next one.
But.
It is a burden on my soul to live in a society right now where everyone knows you are at home, or supposed to be at home, 24/7 if you are non-essential personnel. This gives the illusion for so many that people are just at home in some sort of waiting pattern. Maybe they are cleaning, maybe there are scheduled zoom calls, but really...aren't we all swimming in time? No. We are drowning in it.
People with jobs that still require a full workday, but now there is a searing headache from staring at the blue light of the computer all day with fewer breaks than there were in the office. Moms and dads balancing work and caregiving for children. Caregivers who are now homeschooling with little to no resources without spending hours seeking them out online.
And people who are just overwhelmed, fearful, and sad about what is happening right now. Because really, isn't that all of us?
Yes, most of us are home, and yes, many items on the to-do list might be "time flexible," but they still need to be done. The lack of structure for many at home creates a constant mental exercise in shuffling and re-shuffling the day around based on the variables you would never have in the workplace. This creates a huge tax on our decision-making by the end of the day, to say nothing of mood and knowing that tomorrow will start exactly the same way. The ability to multitask, or even focus fully on one task, is suddenly so much more difficult. It is no wonder that cogs in the machine get stuck when laundry backs up, a virtual meeting runs over, or you just don't know what you want for dinner tonight.
In a world where self-care is a hot buzzword, even our language frequently reflects a nonchalance about whether we "get around" to self-care when we are "swimming in time."
This situation is not normal.
It is painful.
It is scary.
It is sad.
And it comes with so many unknowns.
Believe me, this blog is something that is going to continue as long we are in this reimagined world together. That being said, accidentally missing a few days has been such a gift of insight into how I am speaking to myself. I don't want to spend time on self-care. I want to invest my time in self-care.
Yes, I am going to keep practicing guitar because I wanted to "make the most" of my time quarantined at home. I am going to keep exercising because I know that five minutes in, I will be glad I started. I am going to keep writing for you, and for me. And at the same time I am going to aspire for language that fosters a softness in my choices, and a forgiveness for my decisions so that I can be the best version of myself guilt-free.
We are all doing the best we can, and I suppose, that includes me too. Doesn't it? Not every moment needs to be productive. We are also allowed to gauge productivity in more than one way. Not every moment needs to be spent learning a new skill or bettering yourself. And again, we better ourselves in different ways. Be gentle with yourselves, my friends. We are in an unprecedented time, using mental and emotional energy that drives us deep into the core of who are as people.
Prepare, don't panic.
-Allison
Comments